


Like a Lost Astronaut

by Carmenlire



Series: Habits of My Heart [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, I'm not here for accuracy I'm here for a good time, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Sad Alec, Supportive Magnus Bane, soft boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 15:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15076337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: Alec scrubs his hands over his face and presses fingers into his eyes until it starts to hurt. Tired and annoyed, he shoves a hand through his hair and takes a cursory look over his desk, eyes stopping at his calendar.Everything clicks into place and Alec’s shoulders slump as he finally puts the pieces together. It’s usually a rough month for his mental health but the last few years have been especially bad.Today is the third year anniversary of Orion’s death.Alec tells Magnus about Orion.





	Like a Lost Astronaut

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! It's been a long time but I have a (not so) little update for this series! This probably _could_ be read standalone but would make much more sense after TMtIO. Happy Reading :)

Alec pinches the bridge of his nose and wishes for the thousandth time that his goddamn headache would go away. He’d woken up with a throbbing pain in his temples and it’d just gotten progressively worse from there.

He’d been surly to Magnus this morning, something that _never_ happened. Whatever else was going on in his life, the loft was always his sanctuary. _Magnus_ was always his safe place. But with the headache making him feel like broken glass was being shoved into his brain he’d snapped and he’d watched through a fog as Magnus had closed off, arched a brow, and declared that he had to start getting ready for the day’s appointments.

Alec sighs and shoves his chair away from his desk, agitated and pissed off at the world. There’s no reason for him to be feeling like this-- like there’s an anvil hanging over his head, pressure squeezing his chest uncomfortably. The morning had gone well, all things considered. Everyone had given him a wide berth as he’d strode through the Institute’s doors, foul temper obvious for all to see. 

Even Izzy was keeping her distance. He didn’t know if she was being particularly considerate or if she was busy on her own projects but he was thankful nonetheless. Jace and Clary were taking a long weekend off, staying at a bed and breakfast in Vermont for the next few days.

He’d sloughed through the pile of paperwork waiting on his desk at 7am sharp and had sat through half a dozen conference calls that were frankly unnecessary and mostly ridiculous, making him even more annoyed.

Alec scrubs his hands over his face, presses fingers into his eyes until it starts to hurt. Shoving a hand through his hair he takes a cursory look over his desk and his eyes stop at his calendar.

January 17th.

Everything clicks into place and Alec’s shoulders slump as he finally puts the pieces together.

January has always been his least favorite month, for as long as he can remember. Alec tends to run cold and New York can be downright hostile during the winter. Everything is grey and gloomy and leaves him wanting to stay in bed for days on end.

It’s usually a rough month for his mental health but the last few years have been especially bad.

This is the third year anniversary of Orion’s death.

Alec remembers when he first heard the news. Running out of the Institute without a coat, having a bit of a mental breakdown, and talking back to his mother in spectacular fashion, feeling like his very soul was collapsing in on itself.

At the first year anniversary, he’d gone out on patrol during the day, pissed off and restless. He’d only been seeing Magnus for a little while and it wasn’t quite long enough to assuage his feelings of guilt and anger. He was in such a better place than he’d been a year ago. Without a doubt, this time last year had been his lowest point and while he could acknowledge and be thankful that he’d made it out of that pit of despair, he couldn’t deny linking the two events. He felt guilt that Orion was gone. Which was bullshit. Orion had been a shadowhunter and shadowhunters know the name of the game. He hadn't talked to him in years.

Maryse hadn’t necessarily been wrong-- twenty-two was a hell of a lot more time than some of their kind got.

He’d ended up cutting out of patrol early. Jace’s eyebrows had almost disappeared into his hairline at the act of disobedience but he’d been too happy to ditch the rest of their shift, too. They’d gone to the Hunter’s Moon and thrown a few too many drinks back. He’d beaten Jace’s ass at pool a dozen times and had gone back to his cold, lonely room at the Institute, dreaming swirling dreams of Magnus and praying he didn’t wake up with a debilitating hangover.

Last year, he’d gotten drunk again. He would have been embarrassed had anyone seen him so wasted. It hadn’t been on purpose but he’d felt the date looming, a reminder of how much things had changed in such a relatively short time, and when he’d went to the loft after his shift, it’d been empty as expected. Magnus was away for a conference in Venice and had been gone for three days. So, Alec had poured a shot of whiskey and thrown it back, relishing the burn as he thought about the past two years. 

He could never have foreseen the change a couple of years could make. He grown from that bitter, cold, hopeless man and blossomed into a someone comfortable in his own skin. In love and unapologetic about it. Committed to the High Warlock of Brooklyn-- a _man_. It’d felt damned good and as Alec swallowed that first shot, he’d done so as a kind of toast. Celebratory with a tinge of nostalgia for a boy he could have loved.

For a boy he had loved once, with childhood innocence and stunning naiveté.

He’d indulged a little too much-- a lot too much-- while traveling down the arduous memory lane. He’d passed out on the couch in the living room, neck cramping and back aching. He’d felt like hell the entire next day and had all but fallen into bed the following evening, waking up to Magnus’s body wrapped around his from behind. He’d fallen back asleep, content, with a smile on his face and lightness in his heart.

He’s been with Magnus for two years now but had never found the right time to tell him about Orion. He’d blurted out everything with Gray over a year ago. He’d been able to do so with a touch of humor and smile, though he was again bitten by that tinge of sentimentality at the way things had ended. Magnus had listened, intent, and been supportive. Everything, really, that Alec could have wished for when revealing one of his most painful chapters.

He knows Magnus would have the same reaction about his childhood best friend but Alec just hasn’t found the chance.

He’s regretting that now, wincing as he remembers his harsh voice with its cold tone this morning.

The sun is sparkling brightly through his office’s stained glass windows and Alec abruptly stands up, done for the day.

There are some perks to being Head of the Institute, one of them setting his own schedule. He’ll catch up on everything later. Right now, he has more important things to do.

It’s frigid outside-- must be in the single digits-- and Alec huddles a little further into his peacoat, buries his nose a little deeper into the Burberry scarf looped around his neck and shoves gloveless hands into his pockets.

Despite the chill in the air, Alec strolls through the streets of New York. Trudging through dirty sidewalks and avoiding the disgusting piles of snow along his path, he’s lost in thought.

Though he guards it well, Alec’s always been a little too introspective for his own good, nostalgic and achingly sentimental. Today of all days, he allows himself to get a little lost in his head.

He looks up when he hears a bright peal of laughter and can’t stop the small smile that curves his mouth. There’s a son and daughter with their mother walking towards him. She’s holding each of their hands on either side and listens attentively as they both speak rapid-fire.

It’s mundane in the best possible way and Alec’s chest aches a little at the thought of having something like that in the future. Magnus would be a wonderful father.

His thoughts break off as he passes the wine shop around the corner from their loft. He sees his favorite bottle of rosé on display. He slows down and ultimately steps into the store.

He has a tradition to uphold after all and if Magnus is going to be busy all day, than there’s no reason not to have a glass or two of wine while working on his apology.

A few minutes later, he’s back on the street, walking the last little distance to home, wine bottle in hand.

As soon as he walks into the loft, he throws out a, “Magnus,” that bounces against the walls.

He breathes a little sigh of relief. He was an ass this morning and he’s not quite ready to face Magnus yet.

He shrugs out of his coat and unwraps his scarf, hanging them up before heading to the kitchen. He takes out the bottle opener and uncorks the wine, leaving it to breathe while he heads to the bedroom and changes clothes. He throws on one of Magnus’s hoodies and shoves the too-short sleeves up his forearms. He steps into a pair of sweatpants that hit just under the knee and heads back to the kitchen, pulling down a wine glass and pouring a liberal amount into it.

He takes a sip and doesn’t try to hide his little hum of pleasure. 

It hits the spot.

He walks to the french doors that lead to the balcony and watch as snowflakes begin to fall down, fluttering down. The sky is a steely grey and Alec loses focus as he gets lost in his thoughts.

Three years. It’s been three fucking years since Orion died. Alec’s not melodramatic just for the sake of being so. In the grand scheme of things, Orion is little more than an anecdotal memory. But it’s what his death represents, what it’s connected to, that fucks him up, just a little.

He finishes his glass of wine before turning away from the windows, filling up his glass a second, third, fourth time until he upends the entire bottle, only to get a few last drops out.

He’s drank the entire bottle of rosé and it’s almost completely dark now. He reaches for his phone, set to look up the time, when the sound of a portal causes him to straighten hastily.

He hasn’t really thought about his apology but as soon as he sees Magnus, looking untouchable in one of his more Victoria-inspired outfits, the words are spilling from his lips.

“Magnus, hi,” he starts, like an idiot, dopey smile on his face. He knows he needs to apologize but Magnus just looks so good, standing in the middle of the room, imperious and elegant.

Magnus’s mouth tilts at the corners, just a little, and he raises a brow as he look at Alec, not saying anything.

Alec decides to fill the silence, rushing out, “I was a complete ass this morning and I’m so sorry. I was in a shit mood as soon as I woke up and I took it out on you. I totally understand if you need some more space--” in a loose motion, he waves a hand, gesturing at the whole of the loft, “--I can go. . . somewhere if you don’t want to see me right now. I love you so much and I’m sorry again that I was a dick--”

He breaks off as Magnus walks over to him, smiling softly as he holds up a finger in front of Alec’s mouth to stop his rambling.

Alec grins down at the finger, can’t help but think about how much he loves Magnus.

He must say it out loud, because Magnus huffs out a laugh as he drops his hand and says, “And I love you, too, darling.”

His expression grows a little more serious as he looks at Alec with somber eyes. “You were a dick this morning, Alec, but thank you for apologizing. I don’t need time away from you. I just finished my last appointment and came home hoping you’d be here.” 

He places his hands under Alec’s hoodie, at his sides, and Alec can’t help the little shiver that runs up his spine. Magnus’s hands are warm on his bare skin, anchoring him.

“Everyone wakes up in a piss poor mood sometimes, darling,” Magnus says softly. “But you’re right, I don’t deserve to get the flack for something out of my control. Just talk to me when that happens, if you need space or are in a temper.”

There a pause before he asks, “Want to talk about whatever gave you that foul temper this morning? Or whatever made you drink an entire bottle of wine?” He raises a brow at the last bit-- Alec almost never overindulges, only does so in times of intense emotions, both good and bad.

Alec hums as he wraps his arms around Magnus’s neck, leans down a little until he can bump noses.

“Yeah,” he rasps. “I want to tell you.”

He pulls back and reaches down for Magnus’s hand, pulling him to the couch. Magnus sits first and Alec immediately follows, burrowing into his side, physically lifting Magnus’s arm up and putting it over his shoulders. Magnus laughs as Alec treats him like his personal doll, arranging the both of them to his satisfaction.

He’s surrounded by Magnus and lets one of his arms hang low on Magnus’s stomach, hand touching his hip.

He rests for a minute, head against Magnus’s chest and just breathes. He distances himself from the weight of the day a little and focuses on Magnus’s closeness, all the places they’re touching.

Magnus is silent and as he waits for Alec to start talking, he runs his fingers through Alec’s messy hair.

“When I was little,” Alec starts softly, “I had a best friend. His name was Orion and we were inseparable. We met in Idris while our parents were at some Clave event. I was in the corner drawing runes when he came over to my table.

“At first I thought he had to have made a mistake. I was a nerd, always in the corner, and didn’t have any other friends. It was just me and Izzy and that was enough. I thought he’d get bored with me pretty quickly and leave to go hang out with the other kids who were running around and generally wreaking havoc.

“He didn’t, though. We talked about runes for a little bit before we moved on to other things. He talked most of the time but I didn’t mind. I was just glad someone had seen me and taken the chance to talk to me. We fell asleep together huddled under this little blanket that was an eyesore-- it looked like a rainbow had thrown up on it with so many hideous colors all together.”

Magnus huffs out an almost silent laugh and Alec looks up at him. “It was so ugly, Magnus.”

“Sounds it, darling.”

Alec drops his head back onto Magnus’s chest and absentmindedly fiddles with the silk lining of his suit jacket as he stares blankly into the living room.

“We were best friends. We hung out all the time. He either came to New York or I used the portal to go to his family’s Institute in Australia. I loved visiting him. It was always sunny and happy there. And they had a dog. I love dogs.”

“I know you do, darling,” Magnus says softly.

Alec reaches for the hand not in his hair and plays with Magnus’s fingers, intertwining their hands and running his thumb over Magnus’s knuckles.

“I thought he was pretty. It was the first time I ever thought that about a boy.” He intertwines their hands again and brings them up, kisses the back of Magnus’s hand. “I didn’t know there was anything wrong with it. I thought it was obvious. Izzy was cute with her little chubby cheeks and big brown eyes and Orion was pretty, too. I didn’t know that other people would think it was wrong-- that _I_ was wrong for it.

“I remember wanting to hold his hand. We hugged all the time but I really just wanted to hold his hand. I wasn’t sure if I could, though. I’d never seen two boys holding hands and so I did what any five year old does when they don’t know an answer: I went to my mom.”

He hears Magnus’s sharp inhale, feels Magnus’s hand tighten around his own.

“Yeah,” Alec says, bitterly. “I went to Maryse and asked her if ‘boys could have boyfriends.’ It was about as awful as you’d expect, looking back in hindsight. She wasn’t cruel and she didn’t lash out. But, she made sure I knew that boys only held hands with girls and that anything else would bring shame onto the family. I was devastated but family means everything to me. What she said, how she said it, made sense. So, I stopped being friends with Orion.”

There are shades of anger in Magnus’s voice as he asks, “Did you stop being friends with him or did Maryse end things?”

Alec bites his lip as he tries to remember. “I think it was a little of both. Maryse made sure that there were no more play-dates but, again, I’d just been told that Orion pretty much equaled family embarrassment. I was in no rush to hang out with him more even if I did miss him like crazy.”

It’s silent for a moment before Magnus speaks again.

“Thank you for sharing that, Alexander, but what does it have to do with what happened this morning?”

Alec takes a deep breath before responding. “A few years ago, I was reading the routine killed-in-action list when I saw his name. I was twenty two-- this would have been about a year before we met-- and the news devastated me. As you know, I wasn’t in a good place at the time and the news that my childhood best friend had been killed sent me into a sort of spiral. I wandered around New York all day, without a coat, and just generally had a bit of a breakdown.

“It felt like everything was just too much, squeezing my chest, and I was in a fog. You know, I hadn’t seen Orion in almost twenty years but he was a good memory. For a long time, my friendship with him was one of my happiest memories, something I clung to when things seemed particularly bleak. I may not have been his friend anymore, but there was comfort in knowing he still existed, you know?

“And then, he was gone. Poof. Only twenty-two and killed on a routine mission. It just made my situation at the time stand out in stark relief. I was hopeless about the future, convinced that I would never be happy because of who I was, who I wanted to love, and this shining memory from my childhood, of an innocent crush, weighed down on me.

“I remember sitting in Central Park, glamour rune activated, and I saw two men kissing. It felt like my chest had been ripped in two as I saw what I couldn’t have but wanted so badly. They were happy and obviously in love and seeing that just after hearing the news that someone I could have loved, did love with all my childish innocence, was awful.

“I walked back to the institute and Maryse jumped down my throat about abandoning my duties. She demanded a reason and when I told her that Orion was dead she shrugged and just said that I shouldn’t be so emotional over it.”

He hears Magnus utter a vicious oath under his breath and laughs humorlessly. 

“Yeah. I snapped a little and talked back before heading to my room. I ended up punching a mirror half a dozen times and Izzy walked into the scene and bandaged me up, put me to bed. I was a wreck. I came the closest to ending everything that night.”

Magnus squeezes him to his side, kisses the top of his head, lips lingering as if in silent apology for what he’d gone through.

Alec blinks back tears, thinking about that dark place he’d been for so long.

He’s so glad he made it out alive.

It’s silent for a minute, both thinking about everything he’s just said, before Alec utters one last sentence.

“He died on January 17th.”

Magnus sucks in a breath and places a hand on Alec’s cheek, tilting his head up until their eyes meet.

“I’m so sorry, darling. I’m sorry for what you went through and that today must have been full of those memories.”

He wipes a thumb under Alec’s eye, catching a stray tear, and asks gently, “Why didn’t you tell me, love? I would have given you space or whatever you needed.”

Alec turns his head, kisses the tip of Magnus’s finger, still damp. “I didn’t even realize, if you can believe it. I was in a pissy mood all day and it was mid afternoon before I looked at a calendar and everything clicked. I left almost right after and came here. Ended up drinking a bottle of wine and got lost in my head a little,” he says sheepishly.

Magnus leans down and kisses him, softly, lingering just a few moments before pulling back and looking at him with shining eyes. “Thank you for telling me, darling. Orion sounds like a lovely person. Maryse, however, fucked up so incredibly much. You were, what, five? And she gave you the first inkling that being gay wasn't okay. I could throttle her right now, no matter how much she’s changed.”

Alec sighs, rubs his cheek against Magnus’s shirt a little as he thinks. “That was the beginning of my downward spiral as unbelievable as it is that I was only a kid. Obviously, it took me a long time to unlearn everything she said. That was when she first started pulling back I think, becoming that cold, heartless bitch she was for so long. Goddamn, she was a monster.”

Magnus hums, “Right you are, darling.”

They relax into the couch for long minutes, both thinking. Alec thinks about how it’s as if a weight had been lifted off of him. He’s glad Magnus has this last piece of his past. Magnus thinks about how proud he is of Alec for not just telling him about this, but for living through it, surviving, when all he’d wanted to do is give up.

It takes a special kind of strength to do that as he knows all too well.

He’s shaken out of his thoughts as Alec straightens up and pulls away.

Alec look at Magnus, searching. “I have something I’d like to show you.”

“Of course, darling.”

Alec stares for a moment longer, eyes boring into Magnus's, before standing up and heading to their bedroom. He goes to his dresser and opens the bottom drawer, pulling out a wooden box.

The wooden box he’s had for ages is kept in immaculate condition. The dark wood shines and the only mark is a knick from when he’d been fourteen and tripped while carrying it.

He smooths a hand over the top of the box and breathes deep. In this box is everything that means anything to Alec and it’s a big step to show Magnus.

He wants to show Magnus. Plus, they’ve been together just over two years and it’s time.

He carries the box into the living room and notices Magnus’s gaze zero in on it.

He sits carefully down on the edge of the couch and places the box gently on the coffee table. Magnus straightens and moves closer to the table, too, their thighs brushing together.

“You have your box of memories and I have mine,” Alec says softly.

Magnus doesn’t say anything, just watches as Alec eases the lid open.

“There’s a dozen pieces of my heart in this box and I want to share them with you.”

He pulls out the arrowhead, thumb smoothing over the blunt edge. “This is from the first demon I killed. I was nine and scared shitless. It was more an accident than anything else, really, but I kept this arrowhead to remind me that I was capable; that even if things didn’t go the way I had planned didn’t mean it was an unmitigated failure.”

Magnus leans into his side and sweeps an arm up and down his back. “That’s a good lesson to learn, love. I’m proud of you for killing that demon through the fear even if I am a little horrified that you were so young when you earned your first kill.”

Alec laughs. “I was older than some, Magnus. I guess that makes me lucky.”

Magnus smiles, though his eyes are still somber as he simply says, “Whatever you have to tell yourself, darling.”

Alec rummages around a little until he finds a bottle of nail polish, whatever contents left are long dried out.

“You know that Izzy’s always been into fashion and makeup. I’ve never been too into makeup but, obviously, I’m getting comfortable with playing around with my clothes-- and sometimes I like to paint my nails.”

He looks down at his hand, the glossy navy on his nails, chipping a little in a few spots.

“Izzy was very into manicures one summer and she wanted a willing volunteer to practice on. Being her older brother, I suffered through it as she painted my nails, sometimes everyday. I never told her, but I liked it. Obviously. But I had to play the annoyed sibling, you know? 

“It was fine for most of the summer, but mom visited the Institute one day on a surprise trip and when she saw my nails, she went batshit. She said that it was too effeminate and watched as I removed every bit of the polish. It was humiliating. I snuck this bottle out of Izzy’s room that evening and put it in my box. It was this black glitter polish that I loved. I had used it a few times over the summer. I kept it because it reminds me of Izzy and of a time I let myself have something I really wanted, even if it was only for awhile.”

Magnus reaches for Alec’s hand and raises it to his lips, placing a kiss on his knuckles. “I’m glad that you let Isabelle experiment on you even if it did end in disaster. I’m so happy that you returned to it, that you let me paint your nails these days, and that you let yourself do those little things that bring you joy. You’re beautiful, Alexander, but never more so than when you’re being unapologetically _you_.”

Alec clears his throat, a little emotional, and smiles at Magnus, leaning in and kissing him chastely. “Thanks, babe, it means a lot and I’m happy, too. My life’s really opened up since I met you. I love you so fucking much.”

Magnus smiles, whispering, “I love you, too,” before going back in for another lingering kiss.

When Alec pulls back, he’s a little breathless and it takes him a minute to find his train of thought.

He goes through the other pieces, pulling them out one by one and explaining their significance. Magnus listens closely the entire time. There’s only a couple more pieces in the box and he hears Magnus’s sharp inhale when he takes out a little potions knife no longer than his hand.

“That’s one of the knives from my apothecary,” Magnus breathes.

Alec nods in confirmation. “It is. You were going to throw it out because you’d bought a new one and I just swiped it in here when you weren’t looking.”

“Magnus is looking at him with shining eyes, devoid of glamour, and a whole world of love. “That was just a couple of months after we started dating, love.”

Alec shrugs. “Yeah. I knew as soon as I kissed you that first time that you were it for me. I saw this--” he nods to the knife, “-- and it’s just so you. I didn’t have anything of yours in here and I couldn’t not include this.”

The knife is gleaming silver with a bejeweled hilt. The gems are in a kaleidoscope of colors and it does remind him of Magnus-- opulent, elegant, capable.

Magnus reaches out a tentative hand and gently runs a fing down the hilt. He looks over to Alec and buries his other hand in Alec’s hair, pulling him close for a deep kiss, one that leaves them both gasping and a little desperate for more.

“I love you so much, Alexander.”

“I love you too, Magnus.”

They stare into each other’s eyes for a minute, lost to everything else before Alec remembers that there’s still one more memory in the box.

The thing that started this horrendous day.

Alec turns to the box and gently takes out a toy soldier with worn paint. It’s only a couple of inches tall, such a small thing, but a lump forms in his throat just looking at it.

It’s silent for a moment or two as they both just look at the toy, Alec caught in feelings, Magnus respecting whatever time he needs.

Alec breaks the quiet and starts explaining.

“Orion and I used to play toy soldiers. Looking back it was hideously bigoted, but we were shadowhunter kids and didn’t know better. You can’t see it now, but there were runes painted on the soldiers. We would have mock battles with Raziel as our commanding general. It was all very involved and important.

“When we stopped being friends, I didn’t play toy soldiers anymore. I didn’t have anyone to play with-- Izzy was too small and generally disinterested in military strategy-- and it’s no fun by yourself. I kept this as a reminder that I’d had a best friend that maybe could have been more. I kept it to remind myself of a happy time. Maybe, I kept it out of a little bit of spite against Maryse and an institution that told me I was wrong and disgusting for wanting to love a boy, though that motive wouldn’t rear its head for a few more years.”

He looks over at Magnus, gaze roaming over his face, taking in soft eyes, a tentatively smiling mouth, stunning beauty.

“I want you to know that I’m not in love with Orion, or his memory, or whatever the fuck. I never was, except for idle childhood curiosity. I know I’m being. . .” Alec pauses as he tries to find the right word. “. . . Dramatic about today, but it’s not even really about Orion. I’ll admit that I’ll always have a fondness for his memory, but it’s more about the place I was in when his death happened.

“You know that I wasn’t in a great place and I usually drink a little too much when today rolls around. This year, though, it turned into me thinking about how much things have changed since I was that lonely, bitter man. Between his death and when I met you, I calcified. I’d already been great at hiding my feelings, but after that I closed myself off even more. I gave up on the idea of finding a man to love. But then you came along and my world exploded into a thousand colors. You woke me up, made me want to fight, and for that I will always be grateful.”

Magnus looks speechless for a minute before he takes Alec’s hands and brings them to his chest. “My darling. My Alexander. I might have been the catalyst, but it’s you who ultimately chose to fight and I will never stop being thankful and proud that you took those steps to set yourself free. You didn’t have an easy time of it-- you still don’t-- but you continue to fight every day and I’ve seen you open up and be the most loving, affectionate boyfriend I could want. You didn’t do that for me. Thank you for being the best man you can be, every day.”

Magnus wraps his arms around Alec and pulls him close for a hug. Alec melts against him, hugging him back, and they stay together like that for a long moment. Alec feels warm and safe and loved. While he definitely didn’t see today ending like this, he’s glad that they had a chance to talk about what had happened.

Still hugging, Magnus whispers in Alec’s ear, “Thank you for sharing this with me, darling. I know it couldn’t have been easy but I’m very glad you told me. Thank you for apologizing, too. I forgive you for your atrocious behaviour this morning,” he ends with a watery laugh.

Alec laughs, too, dueling emotions rioting through him. On one hand, he’s relieved and feels lighter than he’s had all day. Magnus knowing this last little piece about him is like a puzzle sliding into place. Magnus truly knows everything about him now.

In a way, it makes him feel even more complete.

On the other hand, though, he’s exhausted. Today’s put him through the emotional wringer and now that he can relax, and is in Magnus’s arms, he wants nothing more than to sleep for the next twelve hours.

That bottle of wine might have something to do with the way his eyes suddenly feel like dead weights.

He relaxes further into Magnus, burying his face in his neck and inhaling that sandalwood scent he loves so much.

“Thank you for listening and always being there for me. I’m sorry again I was an ass this morning.”

Magnus noses into Alec’s hair. “Anytime, darling. You’re forgiven.” He pulls back before standing up, and reaches a hand down, helping Alec up.

“Now, today’s been long for both of us and you look like you’re about to drop. Let’s head to bed, darling, and rest a little. How does that sound?”

Alec’s about to agree fervently when his stomach grumbles. Magnus laughs, bright and honest, and instead guides Alec to the kitchen. He waves a hand and there’s a few takeout boxes from the Italian place a few blocks over on the counter. Alec flips a lid up and breathes in the smell of garlic, cheese, and tomatoes. 

He didn’t realize how hungry he was until he starts digging into the lasagna, his favorite from this particular restaurant.

Magnus sits next to him at the island and eats his own spaghetti and meatballs. They pass a companionable half hour in silence, both focused on eating.

They’ve never needed to fill silences, both content to just be in the same space even in the quiet.

Magnus uses his magic to clean up and they both head towards their bedroom. Once there, Alec falls into bed in a graceless heap, face first, as Magnus goes to the bathroom to take off his makeup. He comes back in a few minutes later, face bare and unglamoured eyes reflecting in the low light.

He climbs in his side of the bed and immediately scooches over until he’s laid across Alec, laying his head on his chest and throwing an arm over Alec’s torso.

He’s the best blanket Alec could have.

“Night, love,” Alec whispers, already half asleep.

“Goodnight, darling.”

Alec starts to fall asleep, at peace, knowing that he’ll always have Magnus to help him through the lows and highs of his chaotic life.

Magnus snuffles a little, dropping into sleep in a flash, and Alec looks down. His own smile echoes the little one on Magnus’s face, like he’s happy, even in sleep, to be with Alec.

Alec knows how he feels.

He tightens his grip, just a little, around Magnus’s shoulders and lets the wave of contentedness lull him to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr @carmenlire


End file.
